If you’ve frequented these pages, you know that I have, on a number of occasions, attempted to analyze the thought patterns of Our Leader. I’ve even posited (correctly, I believe) a psychological diagnosis for his actions and attitudes. Today, though, we are going further. Today we are actually going inside the mind of the President for a first-hand view of how it all comes together.

If you remember, over the last weekend in January, Trump had a phone call with Australian Prime Minister Malcom Turnbull. It did not go well. However, most of Trump’s calls with world leaders haven’t gone well. (The White House official sanitized statements on all these calls is that they’ve gone very smoothly and amicably. Don’t they know that there are all sorts of people listening to these calls???) This one was particularly bad. The call was scheduled for an hour and Trump hung up after only 23 minutes – telling the Prime Minister that this was “the worst call of the day, by far.” Seems the PM had the temerity to bring up the US agreement to permit 1200 war refugees to enter the US. He hung up on the Australian PM. One of our staunchest allies in peace and war (both Gulf wars). He yelled at the PM that the was trying to send us “the next Boston bombers”. After the call, Trump took to tweeting his feelings even calling these poor refugees “illegal immigrants” and that he will “study this dumb deal”.

So, we are going to go inside Trump’s mind in the Oval office immediately after he hung up on PM Turnbull. Warning: stay with the group and do not wander off. This is a small place, but it is full of dark areas, dead ends, and passages that wind around and lead back to the central room with the large, gold-framed portrait. If you get lost in here, I can’t help you. Secondly, do not touch anything. You don’t know where this mind has been.

CALL ENDS

Well, that went well. Steve says that may have been the greatest phone call ever made from the Oval Office. May have been? What’s he mean, “May have been”? I gotta watch Steve. I mean he seems loyal walking around with those stiff-arm salutes and everything, but sometimes I wonder. The problem with being President is trying to keep an eye on all of these people and still watch 4 hours of daytime tv. It’s tough. This whole President thing is a lot of work. They talk about Teddy Roosevelt being President and writing 40 books in his life. Well, I’m president and filed for bankruptcy 5 times. Try that, Rough Rider.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, that call with Turnbull. I had to get tough at the end. I was the most prepared President ever for that call. I had an agenda with 4 items and everything. So, we open the call and I ask him who he is. Hey, I don’t know him. So, he goes through this long explanation of who he is and where Austria is (snore fest!) and how they’ve been close allies with the US for decades. Then I ask him why he thinks I should keep him in his position during my administration. That sort of floors him for a moment, but I’ve noticed that response with a lot of these so-called “leaders”. They sure don’t like answering that question. Putin says I should keep asking it, though. I have the right to ask it – I’m President.

He kept talking about being “allies”. Who even uses that term anymore? I think the only time it was used was back in that war a long time ago. The one before Vietnam. Boy, Vietnam, that was a close one. I was in a little trouble there until Dad said that I had bone spurs in one of my feet. I had to tell Dad that you don’t have spurs IN you feet, you wear them on your boots, like The Duke. Dad said, “Don’t worry about it, son”. Dad said that a lot. Then, a doctor I never met said I had those spurs in my foot and I wasn’t worried about Vietnam anymore. I don’t know why everyone didn’t just do that instead of going over there. They were stupid. I have the best feet. People have told me that. Really, really good feet.

So, after those introductory questions, we get to the meat of my agenda. I ask him what he thinks of my landslide Electoral College victory. He says something like he was most impressed and I’m sure he was. Who wasn’t? Then I talked a little about how much fun it was to get that phone call from Hillary. I asked him what he thought of Hillary. I told him she was at most a 6 when she was younger, but now not even a 5. She’s old. She’s almost as old as me. He didn’t seem to know what I was talking about, but what guy doesn’t give numbers to women? Anyway, it moved us smoothly into my next agenda item. I asked him if he had seen any pictures of my wife. He said that he had and that she was very beautiful. I said he should see her naked and he said that he had, of course, and “speaking of immigrants” he wanted to talk about these 1200 war refugees who are living on islands off the coast of Australia and the US agreement to take them in.

That really pissed me off! What was this guy doing talking on my call. These are my calls! I looked down at Steve who was spit shining my shoes and he just shook his head. And the stuff he was talking about! Obama agreed to take in non-white people to this country. 1200? How could this country handle 1200 refugees? In our history, we’re never had 1200 people, desperate for a new life, come in from one country and we’re not going to start now. How can a country of 325 million absorb 1200 refugees? It’s just not possible. Wait a minute. 325 million? How many votes did I get Steve? 63 million? Well, somebody’s lying somewhere. That means only about 20% of the people in the US (I’m the best in math. I went to Penn.) voted for me. Steve, find out who’s lying. I need to tweet. No, it’s not the Jews, Steve. It’s not always the Jews.

Anyway, all of a sudden we’re supposed to take in 1200 homeless refugees. And their luggage? I know that when we travel, there’s lots of luggage. Where are these illegals going to go? There’s no room in Trump Towers and who would want to live anywhere else? Are we taking in all of these war refugees? I doubt there are more than 1200 total from all the wars that we got started. Why can’t Germany take in some? I’d call Merkel up, but she wasn’t very nice to me on that last call. She acted like she didn’t work for me and I don’t think she even likes me. Nasty woman. Nasty.

So I lose my temper with the Turnbull guy. I was just being nice calling him and then he brings up something that’s not even on my agenda. That’s just bullshit. Refugees? Hasn’t he heard about my wall? The America I know is not a place that welcomes refugees and it’s not going to start on my watch. I start yelling a lot of disconnected, meaningless phrases and insulting him. It was great. Felt like I was back on the stump again. I told him “I don’t want these people”. Hey, I wonder if that could be my slogan for 2020? I DON’T WANT THESE PEOPLE. That’d look great on a hat. Steve, write this down. God, my fans are going to love that. Oh, I forgot – voters or what’s that other word that Ryan wants us to use – constituents? I don’t like Ryan much and I’m not using that word. That’s a long word.

I hung up on Turnbull. That’s what I used to do with contractors who were bitching about not being paid. Just threaten to sue and hang up on them. Works here too. You hang up and nothing bad happens.

It was a good call. Austria knows me now and that’s good. I think Turnbull probably admires me. I think he needs to do better research, though. I looked it up on the internet and Austria has a President (like me) not a Prime Minister. He’s stupid. I’m really smart.

AND WE’RE OUT

Deep breaths, everyone. 47 more months to go.