Want to make a passel of new friends? Want to have the opposite sex swooning at your feet? Want to be the life of the party? Well, then, you need to learn how to tell a good story!

That intro sounds like a 1950’s ad for Pall Malls, doesn’t it? Actually, telling an amusing anecdote won’t improve your life that much, but it will make social occasions a lot less tedious for you and your friends. Drawn out, purposeless stories are the bane of good conversation and the worst part is that the teller is usually blissfully unaware that he is driving people back into opiate addiction.

Don’t worry. This won’t happen to you (I’m sure it never has). With just a few, simple tricks anyone can be the Salmon Rushdie (a noted public speaker, usually surrounded by a group of young, hot people) of your group.

First, know your audience. Will they be interested in what you are about to say? Would anyone be interested in what you are about to say? If the answer is yes, then continue. If the answer is no, then walk away before you do any harm.

Next, in your mind, have a beginning, body, and, most importantly, an end to your story. Sometimes, prior to the actual beginning, a good story needs a little background to set the stage or add context. Go ahead – just remember this background has to be about 2 or 3 sentences, max. You don’t want to get people’s attention with, “Before I tell you what happened yesterday, I need to tell you a little about this guy in high school”. Believe me, people are already checking their phones. Unless, of course, your crowd is millennials. Then, they never stopped checking their phones.

Third, keep the anecdote concise. Every story is better when it is short and to the point. I know that part of this particular advice is gender oriented, but it is true no matter how you identify. Never give the audience the opportunity to ask that age-old question, “WTF?” in the middle of your yarn.

Lastly, a memorable story must have an ending that resonates in some way with the audience. The appeal may be pathos, ethos, logos, or humor, but it has to be something. Remember, a good story is different from an old army general, it must end. It cannot “just fade away.”

One last thing, if you happen to be in the story, you cannot be the hero. Even if you saved your entire platoon. In a good story, the teller is simply relaying information, a keen observer, or a self-effacing, good natured participant. If you seem to be the best person in all of your stories, you are delusional and you need to run for President.

Also, nothing about your kids or grandkids. Nothing. Ever. Seriously. Nothing. Not kidding.

Someone once said, “Why do all the interesting things happen to the good story tellers?” Actually, no one ever said that and, truthfully, would you want to hang out with someone who said that? No, but it is true.

I hope these tips help you. No need to thank me. If I ever run into you at a party or meeting, that will be thanks enough.